Brandy, 25

In your twenties your friends start to do things.  Things like getting married, moving in with serious boyfriends or girlfriends, having children.  You know… those scary things that go along with having a mature loving relationship with another human being. 

These things are foreign to me.  Very foreign.  For whatever reason (and definitely through no fault of my own… right? RIGHT?) I have never been in a serious relationship.  When I go on a second date with someone, it basically makes headline news.  I’ve done my best to accept my plight in the search for love, but one of the worst parts about getting older is that it is becoming less and less easy for me to scoff cynically as I watch my friends do these big-life-changing-relationship-things.  They’re not just getting married anymore because “oh you know, they’re super religious” and no, we can’t continue to sigh cautiously as we say “yeah I know…they are really young to be taking that step.”  Because we aren’t really that young anymore.  Our mid-twenties are indeed the appropriate time to be doing things like committing ourselves to one another.  Ugh.

Here’s the thing though; while I’ve spent my twenties trying to work through my fears of entering a relationship with an actual person, I have indeed been able to form many passionate and meaningful relationships with fictional people.  That is to say, I care deeply about the characters I’ve committed myself to following on television and in the movies.  That has to be a good first step, right?  Below, I’ve compiled my list of my top five fictional boyfriends, fictional husbands, and fictional partners for a single wild night of passion.  Attention single men: if you somehow combine the characteristics of the 15 guys listed below, please track me down.  I mean, I’m in my mid-twenties now… it’s time I get started on these relationship “things.”

Fictional Boyfriends:

Ferris Bueller

            - The universe is mysteriously kind of a handful of people, and Ferris Bueller is one of them.  He probably finds $20 bills in his jacket pockets all the time.  Acquaintances he barely knows probably give him their free extra tickets to great sporting events that no one can get tickets to.  Swoon.  Ferris really has it all doesn’t he?  Funny, smart, resourceful, a classic sense of style… the list goes on.  Also, he gets bonus points because of how jealous all your friends would be if you were dating him.  I mean, who doesn’t love Ferris?  EXACTLY.

Zack Morris

            - Listen, everyone knows that Zack is funny and a cut-up in a “just dangerous enough to make life exciting but not scary” kind of way.  But to me, the best things about Zack Morris are the things nobody thinks about.  The kid got a 1502 (!) on his SATS.  Also, he’s got a killer romantic streak (remember the prom night he set up for Kelly outside the gym?)  He’s a winner.  

Marty McFly

            - Can you tell I seem to go for the rebellious type?  (My friends who read this will be glad to see that I did not include Justin/Bobby… although I did think about it.)  Marty is funny, and boyishly charming, and kindof an emotional mess in an adorable way.  I’m into it. 

Indiana Jones

            - Indy has the trifecta: he’s smoking hot, wicked smart, and has an awesome job.  Case closed.  Also, his Dad is a BADASS.  Never a bad quality in a boyfriend (or so I’ve been told.)

Pacey Witter

            - Ohhhhh Pacey.  My heart still goes aflutter just thinking about you, and I’m twenty-fing-five.  I mean, when he buys Joey that wall for her to paint??  I DIE.  DIE.  I can’t even go on… I’m getting too emotional just thinking about him. 

*Kevin McAllister

            - I’m giving an honorable mention to Kev here because he’s just that awesome.  He can’t officially be on the list because we never saw him reach puberty, but can we pause for a moment to think about how cool Kevin is going to be when he grows up?  If Kevin was my boyfriend, I’d like to think that every morning when we got up to brush our teeth he’d make the joke “Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?”  We’d both chuckle.  It’d be nice.

Fictional Husbands:

Ari Gold

            -I’m going to preface this list by saying that I have a very strange vision of what my married self is going to be like.  I consistently imagine that I’m married to someone ridiculous, and that I’m constantly having to sigh and shrug my shoulders when he does annoying things in public.  You know, and give your friends that look like, “Ohhh my husband, I don’t know how I put up with him!  Hahaha.”  I don’t know why I dream of this.  You can’t control these things.  Ari fits this mold pretty well.  He’s very attractive, and certainly provides a rocking life for Mrs. Ari and the kids.  He’s also fiercely protective of them, which is cool.  Lots of shoulder shrugging potential there.      

Larry David

            - Larry is kindof the non-violent version of Ari.  Being Mrs. David would rule because you’d be laughing all the time (provided you didn’t take Larry too seriously when he does the ridiculous things he does.)  Again, no real explanation for this, but I always watch Cheryl on “Curb” and think what a nice life she has.  I also understand that the whole point of the show is that he’s the worst husband ever.  I’m weird.

Chandler Bing

            - I think ultimately you’d want to marry someone who you’d have a lot of fun with… even in the most mundane of situations.  Chandler is a no-brainer here.  Besides, Heather and I have often discussed the benefits of marrying into a first/ last name alliteration.  Brandy Bing?  Excellent.

Desmond Hume

            - All I really want in life is for someone to be as devoted to me as Desmond is to Penny.  Is that too much to ask?  And can that someone be strikingly good looking?  With a foreign accent?  Who can sail?  Thanks. 

Chase Sapphire Guy

            - I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but whenever I see those black and white Chase Sapphire commercials with the couple discussing their credit card rewards, I’m basically paralyzed by how badly I want to be them.  I mean, I want to BE THEM.  They always look lovingly at one another, they calm each other down when one of them gets stressed out, they give each other a hard time in a playful way.  They just look so… happy.  Isn’t that all you can really ask for in a marriage?  Happiness?   

*Steve Brady

            - Steve was going to be included on this list, mainly because he did to Miranda what no guy has been able to do for me: break down her wall so that she could (let’s all sing it together) “let me love you.”  However, two major issues kept him off.  1.  His infidelity in the movie.  Not ok.  2.  His wanting to wash her hair on the honeymoon.  My fictional husband would never want to do that.

Passion:

Don Draper

            - Don is, sigh… there’s no real way to even explain this.  I mean, he’s DON DRAPER.  He’s just irresistible.  He just is.  You guys understand.  Take me anytime, Don.  Do with me what you will. 

Sawyer

            - Sawyer would not be allowed to cry or get at all sensitive during our fit of passion.  Yes, it would be on an island.  I like to imagine that it would only happen one time, but that he would give me flirtatious winks every time he saw me afterward. 

Dylan McKay

- I want to be clear that I want the Dylan McKay of a very specific era for this fling.  We’re talking that magical time after Dylan lost all of his money but before anyone else knew it was gone.  He started fooling around with Valerie but still called Brenda late at night in desperation.  He didn’t do anything except drink all night, and work on his motorcycle, and walk around his awesome house without a shirt on.  High-School-Spring-Fling-Dylan and college-poetry-class-Dylan might have made it onto the other lists… but for a single night of passion?  Emotional-disaster-broke-Dylan was the sexiest he ever was.  Hands down.

DJ Pauly D

-           Ok.  So here’s the only person on any of the lists who isn’t technically “fictional.”  He may be a real person, but there is no question that he is a “character,” so I feel I’m justified in including him.  Listen, Pauly D is ridiculous, but there is no denying he’s a smooth guy.  He definitely has the skills to make a girl feel like she’s special (and not the 1,000,000th chick he’s creeped on, which she probably is.)  Remember when he told the Israeli girl she had better learn to pronounce his last name because “it’s going to be your last name one day?”  No wonder she stalked him!  I’d be more than willing to buy into his silly lines for a night.  Just saying.

Mr. Big

            - Big stands out on this list for me, because he is the only one I’m not overtly attracted to.  However, he was an easy pick.  Kindof like Draper, he just has a certain swagger that cannot be resisted.  He’s such a throwback too… calling Carrie “baby” and “kid” all the time.  Always in a suit.  Inexplicably, very hot.